


Butterflies

by svrendipity



Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, F/M, Love Triangles, One Shot, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:06:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24357793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/svrendipity/pseuds/svrendipity
Summary: Following the finale of Never Have I Ever, Ben and Devi both individually contemplate their feelings as Devi realizes she only feels butterflies for one person.
Relationships: Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar, Paxton Hall-Yoshida/Devi Vishwakumar
Comments: 5
Kudos: 65





	Butterflies

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Spoilers for season one of Mindy Kahling's Netflix Original, Never Have I Ever. 
> 
> Note: This one-shot switches between Ben and Devi's point of view, picking up immediately where the finale leaves off. Slight Devi/Paxton bias, but as I love Ben there is no Anti-Ben in this work.

As the air conditioning blasts in Ben’s car, Devi turns her head to the side, staring out the window to watch the clouds go by. Her thoughts are overwhelming. They don’t stop. The questions enter her head at a pace faster than she can handle. 

What had she done? Why would she do that? She likes Paxton. She really, truly likes Paxton. The way he makes her feel… it’s magical. Sparks fly when they are together. Her heart beats so fast it should burst through her chest. 

And she knows that there are a million other things to consider, but she can’t help but want him still. Because when she’s with him she feels empowered, in a sense. She feels like she can do anything. He’s Paxton Hall-Yoshida, and he wants to spend his time with her. She can’t help but think that means something. 

They have their issues to overcome, of that she has no doubt, but if they just sat down and spoke with each other, not at each other… maybe they could be something. 

Still, no matter how she feels, Paxton doesn’t seem interested in her anymore- not the way Devi wants him to be. She can settle for friendship. She likes him far too much to give it all up. Of course, that is if he still even wants to be her friend.

That’s not the only conflict in her heart, though. If only it was, life would be so much simpler. Because now there’s Ben. Ben who took her in when she had no one. Ben who drove her to the beach when he didn't have to. Ben who got her friends and her back together again. He’s kind- not the holds the door open for you as you enter the room kind, but the I’m-going-to-help-you-no- matter-what type of kind. And, in a way, that’s more special than any meaningless gesture could be. 

However, even though when their lips touched, she craved more and more, her heart didn’t erratically beat. Her stomach didn’t flutter. Shouldn’t she have felt those things?  
She felt more the night she became wolf-girl. Hell, she felt more last year before she even truly knew Paxton. What she feels for Ben- she can’t explain it. But it’s not the same as what she feels for Paxton, not even close. 

As the air conditioning whirrs, Devi closes her eyes. She needs time to process. 

And damn her heart! Her stupid, treacherous heart doesn’t know how to just stop. It’s too much, and as she sits curled up in the seat of Ben’s car, engulfed in total silence sans the sound of the whistling air conditioning, a part of her can’t help but think about whether what she feels for Ben is even romantic. Because yes, he is a wonderful friend who has helped her so much. But, there weren’t any butterflies. There wasn’t electricity, when he got close to her. He’s sitting right next to her, lost in his own head, and she’s not obsessing over what he’s thinking. If that were Paxton, she’d be trying to decipher every time he glanced over, how tight his grip on the steering wheel is, just about everything he was doing. 

As she continues to spiral into her own thoughts, the buzz of the air conditioning starts to fade. Ben is wonderful. She cares about him. She knows that for sure. 

"But Paxton," a voice in her head whispered. But Paxton…

Before she knows it she is back at her own house. The radio is playing, now. She must have fallen asleep. Now, Beyonce blasts in the background, and Devi can’t even bring herself to enjoy it. Ben has to be out of it, too, because there is no way he listens to ‘Single Ladies’. Is there?

Still, she lifts up her head and starts to unbuckle her seatbelt. She needs out of this car fast. Before exiting she thanks Ben profusely and walks as fast as she can.  
She doesn’t want to alert Ben that she’s trying to get away from him. Devi desperately needs to think. She needs time to assess her feelings, to research, to think, to talk to her friends! Eleanor and Fabiola will know what to do, or, at the very least, watch Riverdale with her until she figures it out. 

Devi mindlessly treads up to the front of her house. The only thing she recognizes is that her mother and cousin aren’t home yet. Thank the Gods. She’s in such a rush that she doesn’t even notice Paxton sitting on the steps of her house. She’s so spaced out the fact that she doesn’t trip is a miracle in its own right. She walks on, unaware of what waits for her when she snaps out of her own thoughts. 

Devi’s not the only one who needs a minute to breathe. Ben, too, wants to escape Devi to think things out on his own. But as he rolls down his window to say goodbye, he can’t help but notice the buff jock sitting on Devi’s front steps. God, he’s been so consumed with his feelings for Devi that he hasn’t even thought about Paxton’s role in this equation. 

Ben lets out a staggered sigh. He wants to shout out to Devi, “Wait, turn around, I’m here,” but he doesn’t. And he never would. It’s not him to make the move. He always hesitates around Devi. Even when he wants to help her, he can never bring himself to make the move and take real action. But Paxton…

"Paxton never hesitated," a sharp voice in Ben’s head said. Ben flinched at the thought. No...Paxton never hesitated, not once. He saved Devi from the coyote and the pool; He moved. And if Ben is thinking about every time Paxton has stuck up for Devi when he didn’t, then he knows Devi must’ve been thinking about it too, and if she wasn’t yet she would be soon. Even when Devi has him on her mind, something was always going to tell her, ‘But Paxton’. 

After a moment, Ben finally finds his voice. He pretends not to see Paxton. He doesn’t shout or scream. He doesn’t make the move. He hesitates. He stops himself. He can’t do it. Instead, Ben calls out to Devi. The words he wants to scream remain unspoken. ‘But Paxton’ echoes in his mind. The only thing to come out of his mouth is a pitiful, “Bye Devi, see you in class.” He can’t even bring himself to call her David. They were past that, yet they were nowhere. 

Ben’s voice snaps Devi out of her thoughts. She turns around to look at Ben. She’s so startled by the noise she stumbles forward and barely catches herself. She turns around so quickly she misses Paxton’s presence. Devi quickly speaks, hoping to escape to her room as soon as Ben is gone. She called back to Ben, “ I might stop by later for my bags, if that’s all right with you. Otherwise, I’ll see you in class, ‘kay?” Ben replies to Devi’s words with a meek ‘kay’ and drives off. He can’t watch this. He can’t watch as Devi, his equal, chooses Paxton, and she will, of that he’s sure. His hands keep a tight grip and his knuckles go white, and he disappears from Devi’s view. 

As Ben leaves, Devi waves an awkward goodbye. She lets out a deep sigh, and for a moment, the tension leaves her body- at least until she sees the boy sitting on her doorstep.


End file.
